Funny Chuck Norris Jokes and Facts

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris rides into the sunset, the sun is actually running from him.

Chuck Norris doesn’t consider it sex if the woman lives.

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen San Diego is.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris won American Idol by using only sign language.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so awesome he created fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times.

Chuck Norris doesn’t call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

There is no such thing as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Giraffes did not exist…until Chuck Norris upper-cutted a horse.

Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds.

More Jokes About Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.

Did you know Chuck Norris had a role in Star Wars…he was the force.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take crap from anybody.

Chuck Norris smashed a mirror over a black cats head while standing under a ladder, then won the lottery.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

People invented cars to get away from Chuck Norris, then they invented airplanes because they thought Chuck Norris couldn’t fly.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AAANNNDDD make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

Chuck Norris grew a beard at the age of eighteen. Seconds.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn’t Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus’ birthday.

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Chuck Norris doesn’t age. He levels up.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but the name had to be changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris got run over by a car and walked away. The driver wasn’t so lucky.

Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris….the cop was lucky to leave with a warning.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t do push ups. He pushes the world down.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is!

If they made a movie of Chuck Norris standing still, it would be rated R for extreme violence.

Chuck Norris Jokes

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian!

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Guns are warned not to play with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris is not only a noun, he is also a verb.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes making love to his waitress.

Even more funny Chuck Norris Jokes!

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death, he beats it fair and square.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris once raced light. He is still waiting for it to catch up.

Chuck Norris has a website, is called the internet

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris can turn Toast back into Bread.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke…that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, could eat a hammer, and take a shotgun blast standing.

We hope you’ve enjoyed our collection of Chuck Norris jokes!

Popular searches:

• chuck norris jokes
• chuck norris jokes american ido
• chuk nores jockes
• halairious chuck noris jokes